Vivaciously Dull

Students all over the country are excited and thrilled to have this week off. They skip in the rain and frollic in the sunshine - should it happen to fall on them - during this beautiful winter holiday season, without a care to sober them from this ecstacy-like feeling. I would give anything to know that blissfulness.

In a friendship, certain rules apply that most people know. When that turns into something more, the rules bend, break, and shatter. But one thing is still solid: being with the person should not make you feel horrible. If somehow they depress you, that isn't a good relationship to be in. I overreact to events, situations, people, everything. Exaggeration, overdramatic, I am the modern female Shakespeare of dramatic episodes! And only because I create them in my own mind; nothing going on around me is as climactic and eventful as I make it out to be with my emotions. I try to look into things too deeply, something as simple as a glance or gesture I read with too much attention. But my biggest problem is I don't pay attention to the right things. A good balance would be to observe everything, evaluate it equally, remember it, and focus on the positive things; not necessarily ignoring the negative, but saving it for another day to fix if the problem doesn't work itself out. Sometimes things just take time... I have a tendency to want to rush things, I have little patience when I already have an idea on what the outcome of a situation will be.

THAT'S WHAT I WANT. I don't want to be able to see where I'm going.

I hate being able to manipulate an event so it ends exactly how I thought it would.

I want that power striped from me sometimes.

I want to LOSE control sometimes...

My course right now is a flat, desolate plain, where one can see the ends of the earth in all directions, and nothing ever changes no matter which way you turn. No surprises, I can always see what's ahead of me. I'M TIRED OF IT!! This is not where I am supposed to be! I want mountians blocking my sight, giving me new challenges and adventures and experiences. Let me know the unpredictable.

Prove to me that I'm fallible, I want to have the wisdom to admit it and bow to your success. Prove me that I'm correct, I want the ability to have a discussion about it without seeming at all cocky. Show me something new, I want to gusto to try it and fail the first 20 times, not get discouraged, and celebrate vicaciously with you when I finally get it right. I want to talk to random people, strike up an interesting conversation about real matters, not purses, shoes, money, or relationships, something debatable with meaning but lacking in strong emotional attatchment, so in the end neither person will feel hurt by anything the other said. I want to meditate for days, find meaning; paint a mural; I only have about 60 years to live, I've already used 17 and a half... Let me be able to say the last 42.5 years of my life were damn well worth it, and whatever regrets I have, they sure as hell won't be on my mind in the end. Happy memories to look back on. THAT'S WHAT I WANT.

Not this. Not this depression, this waiting for something good to happen. No. I need to feel that I can love someone without restraint. Right now, I believe I will never be able to love someone because of a hinderance I've placed, this barrier, a guard against what I "know" will hurt me in the end. I have yet to learn how to let go of my habits and truly learn from my mistakes.