Once I was invited to a friends house because he wanted to talk about his recent breakup with his girlfriend/fiance; he loved her, she used him, cheated, he was depressed and though I was an intelligent rational being who he could confide in. I was once a good listener as well. After a couple hours of his ranting, I asked why he called me of all people. Because I knew of his relationship, and I was good looking, grade A rebounder meat. I wasn't flattered, at all, however I stayed the night out of sheer curiosity, never having been in this predicament before. I did not have sex with him. I could barely kiss him. Why? This was someone I looked up to, closely idolized, and I watched him as he reduced to a fiending beast. I watched him jerk off because I wouldn't touch him. And I still pity him despite how vile he now is in my mind.

Why do I bring this up; every time I make tea, I'm reminded of that night. Also of the men I did this to. Before California I was a wreck... coming back... here now... I am righting myself, and my bubbled universe is expanding beyond my impulses. That's all I'm saying for tonight. Anyone who knows this person will never be told this story or his name.

Hedwig and the Angry Itch

An old sex partner, now simply a friend, lectured to me about my ignorance of the events of the news, because I wouldn't stay informed. This began because he would bring up recent events and question whether or not I'd heard about them, my typical answer being "no", which perplexed and irritated him immensly. He is a man who thrives on keeping up to date and knowing the facts, priding in his knowledge and finds joy in spouting off bit of information. Now this isn't to say that he gloats, he's just factually educated and likes always having a piece to start conversations. Opinioned and non-cliche is how I've come to view him. However, I believe he's lacking in a similar manner as I am. The way I don't keep up with current events, he doesn't stay in touch with life. I rarely hear of him doing things outside of work, and when he does it's typically in the form of movies. He seems to live in his media-fueled world, and though his knowledge makes him wise, he's missing the factor of pure experience. He and I are polar opposites, spreading beyond just this issue.
A musing while listening to Immortal Technique: Volumn 2.
Quite amusing, a pun, and laughter widens my face while a vengeful glee mills around my mind. I doubt I'll mention it to him, unless he once again rants on my un-newswatcher conduct.

Why do I let men define my life?

Pressure

I'm feeling the effects of bills weighing down on my account. I haven't caught up with my cell phone or insurance bills, and if I do owe for school this month, I'll have to borrow money from my mother. Thankfully my aunt and uncle sent me $40 and my check should go through tomorrow. This next one will look very lovely from Kohls, I received a lot of credit apps so that's an extra $10 or so. If only I could claim tax exempt again. I made a couple thousand dollars at Ledo last year, I can't quite place what happened to it. Sparatic spending I suppose. There's a fall back in every situation, I know I can call my grandmother if I go into debt or really need help. I'll fight to the death before I do that, its only a last resort.

My "No Call" Calendar

• June 14 -- He didn't answer, it's a sign, and maybe I won't call again? That WAS the idea when I deleted the number.
• June 15 -- Tempted, oh how I considered it, but seeing him today was enough to settle that... things haven't changed.
• June 16-20 -- I've stayed busy. Driving around and noting the mistakes I'm making regarding basic rules of the road. Went to Glenn Dale water park, and pretty much knew that was where he worked... the name rang a bell and the location made sense. Swear I'm not stalking him, I was curious. And I'll never go back. The thought of spending the night came to mind again, and I had this mad urge to find a church right then. Slowly, it's taking affect, gravity is still there, the sun sends its warm rays, and the bird must vacate the nest before mom sends its ass to court for trespassing... if that went on much longer, "restraining order" would have been ringing in the air.
• Whichever day we went go-carting and to see Nacho Libre, I called to him after trying firewire, but he ignored me. Went to Gavin's house and had a blast playing Unreal slow-motion, no loss.
• June 27 -- Sent him a text out of boredom, wondering how he was doing, and no surprise when he didn't reply. The after-effects weren't painfully penetrating, *good signs!*
• July 4 -- Happy Independence Day! I'm free from self doubt and worry, it's all ok! This proves I have the capacity to change! I'm in love with God and this confusing world! Little and so much else matter.

And I missed my chance of ever trying,

because I pushed you away,

and you finally left.

You don't know this is about you. Think about how much I've droned about the other guy, how could it be about you? Well, *reflection time*, you were there first, and lasted, and still maintain, and I've taken it for granted. I will continue to, but here's to your memory. Mi amore, I'll never forget you again.

Say it

Now Playing: Floetry "Say Yes"

I don't deserve him, but he's all I could ever hope for. I wish I could be what he needs... I wish I could be his Courtney, that one he'll always want and dream about, envision when he's with anyone else. I have to make myself a promise... I'll let him do what he thinks he needs to do. I can't keep forcing my hand in this. If I've read this wrong, and I do what I think I have to, I'll regret it for...ever maybe. I want to be happy, but then again, I want his happiness more. So be it if that doesn't have anything to do with me. We had a good run. 4 months, on and off. In the beginning it was amazing. I felt loved. I felt beautiful. I don't think anyone else will be able to make me feel that for a while.

It's been proven that I am a excessively selfish person; I am rude, dirty, skanky, hateful, egocentric, ugly as a whole, everything I told myself I wouldn't become when I was a child.

Don’t bitch, don’t moan, use time take it slow
What love begets and fate regrets
Haunts until your mind is set.
Us is lust but lust is a dream.
Deferred? See, it depends…
Hear what you will will be what it seems
Not to the viewer or the thinker’s keen;
Only the experiencer has the potential
To drive themselves cliffside over one word or gesture.
Strike at the world, deny love and vanity
Turn around and beg for another shot of insanity.
Shooting down droughts of their skin and heat
Clinging at arms length to know the want when eyes meet.
Looking away when the moment’s past,
Now hiding your eyes to avoid a distant glance
But all you think about is loving again…
Physical be damned, give me you.
And promise… no, just say…
When all is said and done, when you’re done,
You won’t leave me in the rain.

There are so many words to describe the contempt I have for the world right now, sometimes I have to dig deep to remember the things and people that make being alive actually worth the bullshit we're surrounded by. I'm looking for that happy medium where ecstacy balances hate and whats left is simple, clean, and right.

It's a waiting game. I've told myself that I won't reach for him again until he makes the first move.

Stones beg for tears; though they can't feel them, it's a comfort to know they were there

I don't think I do it for attention. I think... I hope... it's for the words, the expression, not the want, but the need. I have nothing interesting to talk about. No meaning. Not even strife, it's lost. You would understand.... that's why you don't need to know. You already do. The same bullshit. Always the same. The cold hard steel... her beauty... suicide, my queen... It won't come to that. I couldn't hope for something better... it exists... but you're right... I don't deserve it. You continue on your way. I'll find mine eventually. Thanks for the company though, I enjoyed it while I knew how to appreciate it.

Turmoil brings me here.

I’ll not remember her long...
I’ll reminisce of the presence, not the physical
The mind, but not the spirit
The eye, but not the soul.
She’ll exist in the shreds of the forgotten
A glimpse of what once was
That no one will care to repeat again.
What, then, is left of her,
If nothing more than that equal to a bad dream?
------------------------------------------------
Fragments, mere pieces. Not quite fitting together.

Vivaciously Dull

Students all over the country are excited and thrilled to have this week off. They skip in the rain and frollic in the sunshine - should it happen to fall on them - during this beautiful winter holiday season, without a care to sober them from this ecstacy-like feeling. I would give anything to know that blissfulness.

In a friendship, certain rules apply that most people know. When that turns into something more, the rules bend, break, and shatter. But one thing is still solid: being with the person should not make you feel horrible. If somehow they depress you, that isn't a good relationship to be in. I overreact to events, situations, people, everything. Exaggeration, overdramatic, I am the modern female Shakespeare of dramatic episodes! And only because I create them in my own mind; nothing going on around me is as climactic and eventful as I make it out to be with my emotions. I try to look into things too deeply, something as simple as a glance or gesture I read with too much attention. But my biggest problem is I don't pay attention to the right things. A good balance would be to observe everything, evaluate it equally, remember it, and focus on the positive things; not necessarily ignoring the negative, but saving it for another day to fix if the problem doesn't work itself out. Sometimes things just take time... I have a tendency to want to rush things, I have little patience when I already have an idea on what the outcome of a situation will be.

THAT'S WHAT I WANT. I don't want to be able to see where I'm going.

I hate being able to manipulate an event so it ends exactly how I thought it would.

I want that power striped from me sometimes.

I want to LOSE control sometimes...

My course right now is a flat, desolate plain, where one can see the ends of the earth in all directions, and nothing ever changes no matter which way you turn. No surprises, I can always see what's ahead of me. I'M TIRED OF IT!! This is not where I am supposed to be! I want mountians blocking my sight, giving me new challenges and adventures and experiences. Let me know the unpredictable.

Prove to me that I'm fallible, I want to have the wisdom to admit it and bow to your success. Prove me that I'm correct, I want the ability to have a discussion about it without seeming at all cocky. Show me something new, I want to gusto to try it and fail the first 20 times, not get discouraged, and celebrate vicaciously with you when I finally get it right. I want to talk to random people, strike up an interesting conversation about real matters, not purses, shoes, money, or relationships, something debatable with meaning but lacking in strong emotional attatchment, so in the end neither person will feel hurt by anything the other said. I want to meditate for days, find meaning; paint a mural; I only have about 60 years to live, I've already used 17 and a half... Let me be able to say the last 42.5 years of my life were damn well worth it, and whatever regrets I have, they sure as hell won't be on my mind in the end. Happy memories to look back on. THAT'S WHAT I WANT.

Not this. Not this depression, this waiting for something good to happen. No. I need to feel that I can love someone without restraint. Right now, I believe I will never be able to love someone because of a hinderance I've placed, this barrier, a guard against what I "know" will hurt me in the end. I have yet to learn how to let go of my habits and truly learn from my mistakes.

Ok, my final post for a while. I've decided to make this blog as public as I'll allow, so only a limited and select few will be able to find it. Please keep in mind I tend to be a huge exaggerator and get lost in the groove of things, so my previous posts are not exactly what they seem to be. There are about 20 of them though, feel free to read any, all or none.

I believe I have effectively surpressed my feelings for Poison and chico and moved on to greater things... aka... *smile*. I don't know what to expect now. I'm still a bit jealous of Poison and spastic, but I honestly want her to be happy, she deserves it. He is a different story, I can't quite pinpoint what my problem is regarding him; I like being around him, we have fun, and I guess that's all that matters. Chico has always been a matter of timing, and right now is not the time. I'll always wonder what would or could have happened had things not changed... that will be one of my inner regrets that I'll tell myself I'm happy about. He deserves more that what he's been put through; I hope things begin working in his favor. He's moved on, and I think I finally have too. Even if it wasn't for *smile* I think I'd be glad about this decision. I have all these obsessions... he said it was a good thing... I find it just to be a temporary bout of insanity.

I can be happy if I learn to let go. I want to let go so badly. My entire life is a matter of timing. Life is time. Time is all we have. I don't want to waste it on negative feelings.

I still don't know what to expect. I've want something unpredictable for so long. These have been the best years of my life, despite all the issues and arguments and secrets and lies and... everything. I love it. This is truly what I live to love. The passion, the emotion, the everything. Thank you so much for everything, you made my life worth living. Hell, you've given me life to live.

Missing The Past

I miss my life before this summer. I was happy... I was close to being in love, I was just having fun without feeling obliged to try to impress someone, and I was sure of something. I was sure of someone. Things always change at the most inopportune moment... *sigh*.... I'll continue later.

Disillusion

Hmm. The title covers it. Obsession creates disillusion. Love is a form of disillusion. Yes, this is another fall, the rise has passed... giving another key to the past... I am a fall back, a back up, when plan A doesn't work. Damn you, imagination! Disillusion...

Ah, sweet middle ground, where all is too much, nothing is too little, and neither matter because it all lies flat in plain sight, motionless, lifeless, predictable. Never changing, never decaying, barely existing, but still real.

I fear

I wish I could let myself love you, chico. It would be such a relief, a comfort, to simply fall into your heart and love you.

**edit** I'm tired of running and making excuses. I'm tired of getting my hopes up, building my expectation and then having it all collapse on me. I'm tired of losing people, then rationalizing my thought process into believing it was for the best. I meet people for a reason, and that reason is not to let them go so easily. But I'm tired of fighting. It's too much, and then it's not enough.

Facts of Love, or so I'm told

1. At least 2 people in this world love you so much they would die for you.

2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.

3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.

4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.

5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.

6. You mean the world to someone.

7. If not for you, someone may not be living.

8. You are special and unique.

9. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.

10. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.

11. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look: you most likely turned your back on the world.

12. When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably won't get it, but if you believe in yourself, probably, sooner or later, you will get it.

13. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.

14. Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know.

15. If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great.

Damn you, old man

Kelly Clarkson "Because Of You"

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

I could try to blame all my problems on the lack of attention from my father. Psychologists have pin-pointed a lot of feminine issues that occur in the lives of teenage girls to a lack of fatherly guidance, which effect their decisions and relationships. But I won't. He matters, but then he doesn't, because I don't think about him unless I'm sad. The word "sad" seems so juvenile, but that basically covers it. I hate him sometimes. I love him because he's my father, and for the most part he is a good guy. I would kill him though if he does the same thing to Amber -- my little sister -- that he did to me.

*New, new, new...*

So much is going on, it's a bit hard to keep track. My love life is... I'm not sure. I'm either missing the signs or reading too deeply into what I do see. Friendships are... who knows. I'm tired of people, hearing them complain all the time, my God how they love to whine! Yes, by saying that I am being a huge hypocrite, but it's so... aggrivating. A friend of mine is supposedly going "goth", but it seems only for attention, possibly straight stupidity reasons. I used to love the girl, I don't know what to do; I'm still a little pissed at her and another friend for going out -- I can finally admit that -- and I'm borderline hating and giving up on being talkative.
It won't tear us apart...
Can I get that in writing, love?

We look for reasons to be mad, don't we? It takes too much energy to be happy, we strive to last in our depression and loathing.

I don't want to feel for people this way. Is that so hard of a request? Why the fuck do we have to care so much?
I've led myself into a blissful land, not pay attention to where this imaginary path took me. And now I'm faced with a brick wall. No, not glass, because I could see the future through it; it is complete concrete, lead, and reinforced steel rising into the limitless sky.

"He who knows best knows how little he knows."
--Thomas Jefferson

Now, that quote begs the question, what do any of us really know. As children, most barely know anything about life outside high school, and life in h.s. is a joke. This is like a bad sitcom, really bad, almost soap opera crap because it's so stupid and childish and near pointless in the long run. What we learn there about ourselves, others, basically anything, we have to be retaught once we actually get lives, because it's all wrong. We learn the gist: people lie, steal, fake love, act outrageously when jealous, are vengeful and spiteful, and have no basis for retaining loyalty. Any real friendships that we can successfully keep alive for these few years will die once we go our separate ways. The rest of our lives will consist, for the vast majority at least, of working, suffering, and dying, possibly a painful death either of diseased old age or some major illness.

He was... Strumming my pain with his fingers,
Singing my life with his words,
Killing me softly with his song,
Killing me softly with his song,
Telling my whole life with his words,
Killing me softly with his song ...

No more games, love. Show me your true face.

I am

I am unpredictable in my emotions, but consistent in my attitude and personality. Mood swings are an understatement, but it'll have to do for now. Highs, lows, damnit, I should have been a guy, I would be so much better off. Hm, what to do... My dear, life tell me, you may get fucked with feathers or chain saws, but remember, everything will heal if you give it time and don't agitate the wound. Don't hold it against the rapist, they can't comprehend the damage they are doing unless they experience it; unfortunately those that have can be the most dangerous, because they want others to suffer with them. Misery loves company... is happiness the evasion of reality? Seems to be that way. Anything is possible as long as you refuse to believe the contrary.

Damnit, damnit, damnit... oh, the point of that horrible analogy before? Ha, let me remind the viewer that I have a torrent of issues just waiting to blow up in my face, and briefly update on poison. I don't give a tiny rat's ass what he does, as long as he leaves me out of it. Yeah, lies, I do care, far more than I wish I did, but reading previous entries it's not as serious as it was made out to be; he was a brief infatuation, not even sure why now. It's not necessarily him, but spastic who I'm having problems coping with now. She and I, there are so many unresolved and unanswered questions, secrets, it has built up and now... But anyway... where is this going... I don't know... that's the biggest problem, isn't it? No one "knows"; everyone has ideas, but they won't share them, so we continue living blindly and stupidly.

Ok, how about this. I know what I want -- I want chico -- and I know what I can't have, that being the same individual. I'm too scared to take it, too lazy to work for it, and too stubborn to break my habits of doing this same shit every time. Maybe I realize that it probably won't work, so why try...? What I've been trying to figure out... do I love him? I've known him -- recognizing his name and face don't count in this -- for over 2 years. I've noticed him for more than that, liked him for most of it, and wanted him for nearly a year. Relationships are the one aspect of my life that I have the least control over, but only because I won't take the reigns.

The past repeats itself

Things always have to change. No matter what. Change can also mean the fall back into a previous pattern, which seems to be a regular occurence in life.

Baby I'm afraid of a lot of things
But I ain't scared of loving you
Baby I know your afraid of a lot of things but don't be scared of love
Cause people will say all kinds of things
That don't mean a damn to me
Cause all I see is what's in front of me
and that's you

Well, I've been dragged all over the place
I've taken hits time just don't erase
and baby I can see you've been fucked with too
But that don't mean your loving days are through
Cause people will say all kinds of things
That don't mean a damn to me
Cause all I see is what's in front of me
and that's you

Well I may be just a fool
But I know were just as cool
and cool kids they belong together

Once I get over my own doubts, fears, emotional shit, and... hell, myself... I realize that I am in love with life. Possibly a boy, but I won't go into that.

Falling for You

I could see myself with you
Goin' insane with or
Without you.
But without you I'm lost...
...A sweet, longing memory of how
An innocent smile shifts the
Ground beneath me and the
Plate-tectonics open the Earth below
Letting me fall.
Falling for you every time.
--Whitney Littlejohn

What you don't realize when you confess your love of me is that I get lost in this new world; you are my only guide, and I don't have you with me. What do you expect me to do?

Forget-me-nots

A bouquet divined of rapture and lust
Holds the strongest bonds of obsession;
To defy all thoughts and let go of one's reason
Disregard your sense of self.

Cling to a wish,
A desire wanting of conscious mind.
Does it hurt you so to love?
Only when you lose control.

Passions rage, a soul enslaved,
Held fast by a loss of reality
Realize, child, kins don't form from the mind of one!
All that comes is pain, confusion.

The cause - effects are obvious -
Undilluted, unhindered, unchecked obsession.
The paradox -
No one knows but you.
The solution -
Let go.

'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all,' or something to that effect. Love eludes me, evades me, searches for a path around me. I can wait, though. I have for years, what is a few more?

To ask of poison would be to speak of the recently deceased. Simple mention brings simple pain. But I have to look at it from an optomistic stance: by letting go and allowing there to be distance between me and him, I am giving myself an opportunity to finally get over him, and to let him make his own decisions about where our friendship lies. My thought about that? Undecided. I could say that I don't care, but tomorrow I'll be crying about how I ache; I'm a tumult of emotions, unable to stick with one view point for long, as this blog's entries have indicated for the last month. Give me a couple weeks before inquiring, and hopefully something will be solid.

Besides him... my friendships are dwindling to mere shreds of hope on my part. I talk with people, but the ones that really mattered to me, I've lost. Fuck all this bullshit.

Now besides them, my life is just dandy. I'm behind in a couple of my classes, but I can manage. Besides the people, it is enjoyable. The people either add a flare or extinquish my spark, depending on the day. This will last for the rest of my life, this roller coaster... thanks, but I'll pass on the depression and go straight to the thrill. Give me a rush of life and energy, and I'll be set.

All I can do anymore is trust where my life is going, to put blind faith in that and God, and believe that He will let things turn out the way they are supposed to. I just don't want to cry anymore. It's unavoidable though. But as someone told me recently, "life is easier when you're not controlled by what you cannot control," so I simply need to let go.

Will things come together?

Ah, fuck it, if I fuck it up, I've fucked it up. Better to have fucked it up than to have not fucking tried in the first fucking place.

Sounds about right. Cut me, I bleed; hurt me, I cry; feel for me, I cherish you; love me... don't know about that one. I'll look at you like you're a bloody idiot, probably. Anyway, getting way off base there, I've got a "fuck it" plan! To talk to Poison, all or nothing; his answer will basically be the determining factor in how I feel about him. "Yes," I look into it, but not for too much longer; "no," we continue being friends and I finally move on. That's how it was with Chico, once I found the nerve to bring it up, and I got my closure; now, that's what I need here too. CLOSURE, pure and simple. People keep telling me to just go for it... what do I have to lose...? At this point nothing. Good thing, I suppose.

In an unrelated topic, mostly because I'm actually sick of watching myself type about that Poison shit, I'm getting baptized this weekend. And I'm happy about it, extremely happy. Today while I was in church I really felt close to God. And... it's quite an amazing sensation, to feel like he might be watching you in particular. When I was about 11, I went to a special service where these two "prophets", for lack of a better description, had come to speak. They had a "connection" with God, He spoke to them basically, and I was the first person of the night that they were called to talk to. They said, most prominently, that I would travel a lot in my life, including overseas for education, and in my thirties. I would be called to minister, helping many people; I would rise up in leadership; and, oddly enough, I would be "beautiful," which I'm still a bit confused about why I was told that, but I suppose it would be just to keep up my confidence. I want, and really need, to be closer to God, because without Him my life is... lost.

Will things begin to come together this week? One cannot only hope; one must pray and try to make it happen.

I love you, world. Thank you.

Treasures of a lost file...

Angels dance under the lonely moon, twirling round with giddy laughter. The world is watching, yet no one sees them, for the heavenly light conceals and protects from the corrupt eyes of passers. And yet one disheartened woman pauses in the middle of the street and looks up. The angels notice her and stop, looking back at her with the most profound curiosity. They smile to her and laugh, as if excited for having an audience. Then they begin to sing. The woman seems to hear them, and they sing with more emotion; and with the most enchanting and lovely voices they lift her spirits and bring her with them to a place of everlasting song and joy. The woman dances and sings with them, twirling around the misty light that is flooding them with the most profound happiness. But suddenly she stops dancing, and glances back at the world. She sees a cloud of red and hate surrounding it, and begins to weep at the thought of returning. The angels encircle her, and with loving hands of silk and satin they lull her to sleep by the sounds of heaven.

The next day, the woman is awoken softly by the rays of sunlight as they gently caress her face to tell her morning has come. She feels different today, as if everything is more magical, and the day will bring more than worries and the bitterness of lost hope. And she hears singing, a sweet melody that nothing earthly could ever produce, and she can almost smell the sweetness of honeysuckle and the morning dew. She finally feels at peace, the world around her now having some sense of harmony. Heaven is out there, she realizes, waiting for us. Yet she has to wonder......

No more for today, kiddies. Rants of lost love, failures in action, lack of communication... it all seems too frivilous and trivial at the moment. Not trivial... it takes too much emotion, too much energy, causes too much stress, so it becomes a factor that one doesn't want to dwell on for longer than necessary.

Never fully understand myself, much less life

Sorry my lovely reader, I am a wreck as of late. My position on Poison is getting better. He doesn't control my thoughts, but he's always there, sitting in the background. Things are smoother between us. I've slowly learned that actual communication, not what goes on in the conversations in my mind, is what really changes things. And body language is a huge factor, as well as a simple "Hi" whenever you see a friend. That can completely change their day, and yours. "Random acts of kindness", the most ignored and underestimated phrase.