I fear

I wish I could let myself love you, chico. It would be such a relief, a comfort, to simply fall into your heart and love you.

**edit** I'm tired of running and making excuses. I'm tired of getting my hopes up, building my expectation and then having it all collapse on me. I'm tired of losing people, then rationalizing my thought process into believing it was for the best. I meet people for a reason, and that reason is not to let them go so easily. But I'm tired of fighting. It's too much, and then it's not enough.

Facts of Love, or so I'm told

1. At least 2 people in this world love you so much they would die for you.

2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.

3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.

4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.

5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.

6. You mean the world to someone.

7. If not for you, someone may not be living.

8. You are special and unique.

9. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.

10. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.

11. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look: you most likely turned your back on the world.

12. When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably won't get it, but if you believe in yourself, probably, sooner or later, you will get it.

13. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.

14. Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know.

15. If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great.

Damn you, old man

Kelly Clarkson "Because Of You"

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

I could try to blame all my problems on the lack of attention from my father. Psychologists have pin-pointed a lot of feminine issues that occur in the lives of teenage girls to a lack of fatherly guidance, which effect their decisions and relationships. But I won't. He matters, but then he doesn't, because I don't think about him unless I'm sad. The word "sad" seems so juvenile, but that basically covers it. I hate him sometimes. I love him because he's my father, and for the most part he is a good guy. I would kill him though if he does the same thing to Amber -- my little sister -- that he did to me.

*New, new, new...*

So much is going on, it's a bit hard to keep track. My love life is... I'm not sure. I'm either missing the signs or reading too deeply into what I do see. Friendships are... who knows. I'm tired of people, hearing them complain all the time, my God how they love to whine! Yes, by saying that I am being a huge hypocrite, but it's so... aggrivating. A friend of mine is supposedly going "goth", but it seems only for attention, possibly straight stupidity reasons. I used to love the girl, I don't know what to do; I'm still a little pissed at her and another friend for going out -- I can finally admit that -- and I'm borderline hating and giving up on being talkative.
It won't tear us apart...
Can I get that in writing, love?

We look for reasons to be mad, don't we? It takes too much energy to be happy, we strive to last in our depression and loathing.

I don't want to feel for people this way. Is that so hard of a request? Why the fuck do we have to care so much?
I've led myself into a blissful land, not pay attention to where this imaginary path took me. And now I'm faced with a brick wall. No, not glass, because I could see the future through it; it is complete concrete, lead, and reinforced steel rising into the limitless sky.

"He who knows best knows how little he knows."
--Thomas Jefferson

Now, that quote begs the question, what do any of us really know. As children, most barely know anything about life outside high school, and life in h.s. is a joke. This is like a bad sitcom, really bad, almost soap opera crap because it's so stupid and childish and near pointless in the long run. What we learn there about ourselves, others, basically anything, we have to be retaught once we actually get lives, because it's all wrong. We learn the gist: people lie, steal, fake love, act outrageously when jealous, are vengeful and spiteful, and have no basis for retaining loyalty. Any real friendships that we can successfully keep alive for these few years will die once we go our separate ways. The rest of our lives will consist, for the vast majority at least, of working, suffering, and dying, possibly a painful death either of diseased old age or some major illness.

He was... Strumming my pain with his fingers,
Singing my life with his words,
Killing me softly with his song,
Killing me softly with his song,
Telling my whole life with his words,
Killing me softly with his song ...

No more games, love. Show me your true face.

I am

I am unpredictable in my emotions, but consistent in my attitude and personality. Mood swings are an understatement, but it'll have to do for now. Highs, lows, damnit, I should have been a guy, I would be so much better off. Hm, what to do... My dear, life tell me, you may get fucked with feathers or chain saws, but remember, everything will heal if you give it time and don't agitate the wound. Don't hold it against the rapist, they can't comprehend the damage they are doing unless they experience it; unfortunately those that have can be the most dangerous, because they want others to suffer with them. Misery loves company... is happiness the evasion of reality? Seems to be that way. Anything is possible as long as you refuse to believe the contrary.

Damnit, damnit, damnit... oh, the point of that horrible analogy before? Ha, let me remind the viewer that I have a torrent of issues just waiting to blow up in my face, and briefly update on poison. I don't give a tiny rat's ass what he does, as long as he leaves me out of it. Yeah, lies, I do care, far more than I wish I did, but reading previous entries it's not as serious as it was made out to be; he was a brief infatuation, not even sure why now. It's not necessarily him, but spastic who I'm having problems coping with now. She and I, there are so many unresolved and unanswered questions, secrets, it has built up and now... But anyway... where is this going... I don't know... that's the biggest problem, isn't it? No one "knows"; everyone has ideas, but they won't share them, so we continue living blindly and stupidly.

Ok, how about this. I know what I want -- I want chico -- and I know what I can't have, that being the same individual. I'm too scared to take it, too lazy to work for it, and too stubborn to break my habits of doing this same shit every time. Maybe I realize that it probably won't work, so why try...? What I've been trying to figure out... do I love him? I've known him -- recognizing his name and face don't count in this -- for over 2 years. I've noticed him for more than that, liked him for most of it, and wanted him for nearly a year. Relationships are the one aspect of my life that I have the least control over, but only because I won't take the reigns.

The past repeats itself

Things always have to change. No matter what. Change can also mean the fall back into a previous pattern, which seems to be a regular occurence in life.

Baby I'm afraid of a lot of things
But I ain't scared of loving you
Baby I know your afraid of a lot of things but don't be scared of love
Cause people will say all kinds of things
That don't mean a damn to me
Cause all I see is what's in front of me
and that's you

Well, I've been dragged all over the place
I've taken hits time just don't erase
and baby I can see you've been fucked with too
But that don't mean your loving days are through
Cause people will say all kinds of things
That don't mean a damn to me
Cause all I see is what's in front of me
and that's you

Well I may be just a fool
But I know were just as cool
and cool kids they belong together

Once I get over my own doubts, fears, emotional shit, and... hell, myself... I realize that I am in love with life. Possibly a boy, but I won't go into that.

Falling for You

I could see myself with you
Goin' insane with or
Without you.
But without you I'm lost...
...A sweet, longing memory of how
An innocent smile shifts the
Ground beneath me and the
Plate-tectonics open the Earth below
Letting me fall.
Falling for you every time.
--Whitney Littlejohn

What you don't realize when you confess your love of me is that I get lost in this new world; you are my only guide, and I don't have you with me. What do you expect me to do?